Salut

That weekend in Berlin with S, like most weekends spent traveling together, was adventurous and incredible. However, our time visiting historical memorials and engrossing ourselves in bottomless sour kraut and local brew was anchored by a feeling of heaviness. It rolls in unannounced and loiters around like an unwelcomed guest. We wanted it to lift to continue with our carefree ways but we were faced with the unknown, and the uncertainty of what would happen in the days to come.

Previous to our weekend spent in Berlin I had lived in the UK for the past year and a half on a working holiday visa. It seems I ended up doing much more that ‘working and holidaying.’ In terms of work, the novelty of serving cappuccinos and pastries in European cafés soon wore thin with my experiences of poor management and pay. I didn't want to succumb to the notion of putting one passion aside (teaching) to pursue another (travel). Couldn't I have the control and freedom to design my life how I saw fit? To have my cake and eat it too? Upon this revelation I decided to invest in becoming an English teacher. It was a simple equation for me. I could continue to doing what I loved when (teach) while sustaining my travels abroad. I Fell in love with teaching abroad, but I also fell in love with someone too, S. Our love has been all-encompassing, kind, insightful and passionate. It is a love that has endured

However, time was winding down. We both knew it. We found ourselves trying to make the most of our time in Berlin knowing that my working holiday visa expired, as if it were milk that became spoiled. I didn’t feel ready to uproot the life, the commitments and love I had built in the UK, which, in retrospect, was something that I should have been preparing myself to do much more than I had. Being a Canadian allows me to travel around Europe and remain in a country for up to 90 days as a visitor. So with my expired working visa in hand I thought to return to the UK from Berlin as a visitor. Currently with such a high influx of immigration (legal and illegal) in the UK to assume such freedom going through its boarder is quite ambitions, and even naive. I know this now, but I was very hopeful and optimistic at the time. Upon reaching the boarder, the officials were not convinced that my intent to return was solely for visiting purposes. I was detained, questioned, re-questioned, searched and all they could find was my desire to stay with my boyfriend and attend his Mother’s wedding. But, that was enough to make a case against me claiming that I had little intention of leaving when I said I would. 18 hours later I was put on a plane returning to Berlin upon which S arranged a connecting flight to Paris. I sat on the flight dazed, overcome, sad, and defeated from all that had happened. It felt surreal.

Voila, here I am in Paris. I have been here for a little under a month. I am here for 90 days upon which I will return to my home in beautiful Vancouver, Canada to sort out a French working permit. It has been amazing as well as an absolute grind here in terms of figuring out the French systems and procedures, the culture and of course the language. While being in France any small accomplishment has become an epic triumph for me, even personalizing my voice mail. Since being in Paris I sometimes find myself being a quiet observer. During my travels in France and other countries seeing how cultures respond to their environment, their times and each other has been fascinating. I didn’t want to become too comfortable as a wall flower so I take the opportunities to learn and practice French. It’s a gorgeous language that I am keen to improve at. In my 3 weeks here I also got to know a lot about the market in Paris as teacher and it is bursting at the seams with students motivated to learn English for school or business. Good news for me finding a flat to rent in Paris was rumored to be a huge feat. So after reading P’s advertisement, meeting with him and viewing the flat I knew it felt right. Although it was the first and only flat I viewed I moved in the following week and have felt so good returning to a normal flatmate and my bright four cornered room with sandy colored walls, a single bed and huge closets that remain bare.

My time here is adventurous and very busy and I find it incredible how productive I can be when the sense of urgency kicks in. However, with all the rush it can get lonely as I am not sharing it with the people I love, in particular my partner, S. Long distance relationships are something that is difficult to get used to but is a discomfort and longing that has grown familiar to us. As he continues his life with school and work in the UK I move forward with mine in France, although I’m unable to ignore the vacancy of him, like a ghost with a transparent presence. Like the uncertainty we felt that weekend in Berlin, S and I are still unsure of what the future will hold for us. But for now, I can just take it one step at a time and remember to keep my head up and take it all in.